Scarred Childhood

Imagining growing up seeing/hearing your parents arguing all the time in front of you. I lost count on how many times I heard the word "divorce".This was my childhood. 
Being born in the Early 90s in the small countryside town in the northwest part of Cambodia was not a good timing, especially, when your parent were poor. My mother is a primary school teacher. She still is until today. My father was a soldier, a high ranking one as well (but not so high). Everything thing was good until one day my father got an accident. I was too young to even remember this. But I grew up seeing scars on his face. This changed my family and my life forever, for the worse. 

He is always the way he is now since I can remember. As earlier mentioned, I was too young too even remember about the accident. From what I heard from my mom, it was a serious accident. Half of his face was almost crushed. Doctor had to reconstruct his head and it left head look uneven nowadays. His brain was badly affected as well. For the first few weeks after he woke up, he couldn't remember anything. When he started to remember things again, he had become (i would say) halfway mentally disable. He forgets thing often. Sometimes, he tell other people stuffs he just said earlier. He would not be able to go out and do a proper job. He kept making mistakes. 

That was kinda push my mom to the edge. All the responsibilities fell on her. She had to take the lead as the breadwinner of the family. I know she was exhausted and stressed. She had to wake up very early in the morning (like 3 or 4 in the morning) and started to work until late at night.  This took a toll on her physically and mentally and eventual it also had an effects on me as well. 

How do I begin? There are so many things in my mind right now. Plenty of thoughts, but nothing I think I would be able to say,feeling like floating in the middle of nowhere. Out of a sudden I start to think about writing this blog. I do not expect to make money out of it or anything. I just hope that after releasing something from my mind I might be inspired by something. If you knew me in person, you would know that I am a very introvert person. I am not very comfortable with strangers (maybe that's why I always stuck with same group of friends for so long and it's not a bad thing). The worst thing is that I hate talking about my own problems to other people. I always try to avoid as much as possible talking to others and keep everything to myself. Sometimes, the thoughts start to accumulate and I start to feel overwhelmed. I always feel insecure about everything. I always question my ability in doing anything. I don't have the confidence or the courage to start doing something I want right away. I know I use the word "always" to much, but this is the reality I have to face. 
I blame everything around me for my failure. Maybe I should stop now and try to think about the way out. I'm sure there are countless thing I can blame on; awful childhood, high expectation from parents, my bad health, etc. I will tell later about from the very beginning of my so-called not so good life. Hopefully, this writing will make me reflex on my mistakes and give me courage.







***English is not my first language, nor i'm good at it. Actually, I am real bad at English writing.